America – The AGT Judges Don’t Envy You

07/25/12 6:11 PM

David “The Bullet” Smith launched the last of the AGT quarterfinals this week, and it proved to be an explosive start, indeed, for the remaining bunch. David’s post-propulsion rant took up more time than did his actual act in which he expelled himself via human cannon 40 yards through the air outside the AGT showtime headquarters. But at least “The Bullet” was still alive to tell the tale.

The acts that followed unsheathed back-to-back A-games on the stage in a fight for AGT fame that overwhelmed the judges like never before. The all-American-beefy clogging boys from Myrtle Beach, S.C., “All That!” stomped their way into America’s hearts yet again but this time without their clashing plaid shirts. Speaking of wardrobe awareness, Mrs. Osbourne strongly suggested that the clogging crew step up their steps with leather pants, no shirts and lots of oil on their bodies—surely, three things you’ll readily find in Ozzy’s closet.

And then there was Ulysses, the show tune sleepyhead from N.C. According to this walking caricature, his ill-kept, lop-sided mop was his “mojo”, but the daytime show dabbler sold out and cut it all off in an attempt to go primetime. When he realized what had been lying underneath his portable mane pillow all these years, he quickly pleaded to the head AGT glam stylist, who spun him up an identical mop for his performance. His fro-weave and yogi bear personae were all too much for the judges to bear, and they X’d off his “American Bandstand” lollipop flop, thrust disaster.

Joe Castillo was the beret-wearing man that told the meaningful story with sand by his hand. Howard hated the sand-teller’s beret, but all judges confessed their adoration for his captivating art. Emotions continued to swell for Sebastian the mini-mariachi crooner. The passion just oozed from his little pre-teen frame like candy from an overstuffed piñata. The AGT stage was a suitable place for the young man and his band to roar through his “Kiss Me, Kiss Me” number en Español that culminated in a perfect rose projectile to Sharon.

The overweight mind reader, Eric “Dittely Dittely” Dittelman, was in the AGT house! His “Let’s Make a Deal” game-show spoof stupefied Howie when Dittely rightly selected Howie’s number with just a flick of his meaty magic wrist. But it was the stage-show string pluckin’ William Close who stunned everyone within earshot, strumming the judge’s pleasurable pain with his fingers, while his backup man sang his own heart out. Close killed it!

The Jersey sweethearts “Unity in Motion” gave a perfect 10 of a performance, but Howie didn’t feel that the ice goddesses reached the talent bar that had been raised that night. Eric and Olivia returned to sing a pop-hit rendition, but the AWKWARD chemistry between these two “friends” was more apparent than any pitchy note that escaped Olivia’s narcissistic chops.

The lovable Lindsey Norton gave a splendid Cirque du Soleil-inspired twist and plenty of tumbles. Meanwhile “Horse” endured a grueling nut-shot boot camp in preparation for his superhero-themed nut-loathing stunts that only a nutjob would love, and the judges loved every minute of it. The adorable “Olate Dogs” kept the love flowing with their brilliantly executed compact canine carnival.

And next time, America shall bestow the love on their favorite four acts.

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