America Picks the Best from the Last of the AGT Quarterfinalists

We all were almost at risk of not actually seeing the anxiety-filled night of AGT results thanks to Mr. “Mc-Nick” Cannon whose plaid-crazed pants were more of a visual assault than fashion statement. Mc-Nick managed to successfully clash with anything and everything within 12 feet of his costume catastrophe.

When Ulysses with his own lollipop attire joined Mc-Nick on stage, it was an all-out war of the wardrobes. Luckily, America’s votes stopped the optical madness by sending Ulysses home along with David “The Bullet” Smith. The dynamite “Olate Dogs” crawled away with the win!

Back in the Orville lounge, the popcorn-cam spied Mc-Nick and Ulysses thrusting in harmony in spite of their discordant attire. Mc-Nick then ran a train on a few heedless “Olate Dogs,” and everyone seemed popcorn cheerful until the next three acts were to be called to the stage to learn their fates.

While the hopefuls cooled down from their buttery highs, UK singing sensation and Katy Perry pre-quel Cher Lloyd shrieked through a glittery, sugar-filled performance with a proverbial cherry on top.

But alas for Sebastian, his singing career hit a sour note, as he did not garner enough votes to keep him and his mariachi militia afloat. The prepubescent ice goddesses of “Unity in Motion” were bent out of shape when strum-meister William Close plucked them out of the AGT million-dollar race.

Sand teller Joe Castillo won the next spot in the finals, but Olivia of “Eric and Olivia” fame appeared to have been nibbling on a few of Joe’s sand grains. Olivia mumbled with closed-jaw that she is, correction, she AND Eric are a million-dollar act in passive protest to Howie’s lounge-act “compliment”. And the nutty, nut-slaying “Horse” drew blood and shots to the crotch for nothing, as he was sent home holding his pair and licking his wounds.

The lovable Lindsey Norton failed to win America’s love, and she was sent home flipping to the clogging beat of those beefy all-American boys “All That!” whose choreographed fight scene and desperate promises to lather their bodies, clogs and leather pants in hot oil apparently didn’t rub Howie, Howard nor most of America the right way. Mind reader “Dittely-Dittely” Dittelman won the judges’ final votes.

But Sharon, in a fit of hot anticipation, threw her judge’s cards in the air and prematurely gave her wild card vote to “All That!”. Mrs. Sharon Osbourne demands to see “All That!” oily all-American beef stuffed in some cow-skin and fast!

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